The Malevolent Dictator’s Garage


With the masses kneeling before you, it’s time to make sure you’re travelling in style. You’re the figurehead, the ultimate authority over your people. Everything must reflect that power, even the car your drive.

Well firstly, you most likely don’t drive at all. You probably have a driver, in which case you need something sleek and powerful to arrive in, something that oozes authority. Something that, when people see you step out from the back seat, they know you’re it and a bit.

If this is the reaction you seek, might we suggest the following:

2020 Mercedes Maybach S650

S-Class? That’s a peasants car.

Based on the Mercedes S-Class but stepping up the comfort and options for chauffeur-driven purposes, the S650 is top of the MB tree. It’s a decent price hike over the already-expensive S Class but let’s be honest, it’s not really your money anyway.

The 6.0 litre twin-turbo V12 is big and powerful enough to hold its own in any let’s-compare-our-dicks contest you might get into with fellow dictators.

The slightly-longer wheelbase (compared to the S class) seems to have all gone to the rear leg room and then some, as the boot space has actually decreased from the base vehicle. Probably not a major concern as you’re only riding in this vehicle to remind the people how poor they are, although the styling is relatively understated for this category.


2021 Rolls Royce Phantom EWB

Neither subtle nor inconspicuous. Photo: James Lipman

If the Maybach is simply too cheap for you then it’s time to get yourself a Rolls. For maximum impact and maximum legroom you’ll want the extended wheelbase version.

The massive 6.7 litre twin turbo V12 oozes power and torque but remains dignified with a suspension system that glides over the road and can actually see potholes coming and make the necessary adjustments in advance.

With an almost unlimited array of personalisation options, no one will mistake your Phantom for anyone else’s. Wear your badge of supreme power with pride.


1963 – 1981 Mercedes Benz 600 LWB

Regal with a dash of “don’t mess with us or your family will disappear.”

Want to show off some old school cool? Ride in the same opulence as kings and presidents past in the preferred car of criminals like Mugabe, Hussein, Escobar and the Pope.

The precursor to the Maybach models of today, the 600 was the king of the hill. Available in four-door or six-door limousine versions as well as a landaulet convertible and powered by a 6.3 litre V8, it screamed “I’m in charge whether you like it or not.”

Almost 50 years after its debut the 600 is still a classy beast despite its lack of mod-cons. If you’re the kind of dictator who respects history and (more importantly) the powerful people who mould it, then this is the car for you.


Harrow Security Snake MRAP

They’ll get the hint when you roll up in this. Photo: Harrow Armoured Security Vehicles

Feeling hands-on? Want the thrill of leading your devoted troops into battle? Got a pesky mob of civilians with the nerve to protest publicly for things like freedom and rights?

Well, here’s your weapon of choice. Break up demonstrations and mow down traitorous citizens in this fully armoured modern tactical vehicle from Harrow.

MRAP stands for Mine Resistant Ambush Protected, so you’re prepared for anything a desperate populace could throw at you.

Get a front row seat to the oppression you have manufactured. It might not be what Harrow had in mind for this vehicle, but it will certainly do the job for you.


1939 Mercedes-Benz 770 Grosser Offener Tourenwagen

This escalated quickly.

Wow, Mercedes Benz certainly is popular with terrible people.

Ok, let’s not beat around the bush: this was Hitler’s car. If you’re cruising around in this you’ve really upped your dictator game.

It’s a bold statement for sure, but people will certainly know you’re not to be trifled with.

Not sure exactly what message you’re sending with this vehicle, but you’re unlikely to make too many friends.


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