Some cars develop a reputation for being dickhead magnets. It seems like whenever you see one on the road there is a impatient/arrogant/dangerous clown behind the wheel.
Now there’s probably nothing all that wrong with any of these cars. In fact some of them are probably great cars. But I’ll never buy one of the following cars because I don’t want to be guilty by association.
Now, no offence is intended to anyone who owns any of these cars. I’m sure you, Dear Reader, are a wonderful person who drives sensibly and responsibly at all times… So with tongue firmly in cheek, let’s get to it.
It’s usually the GTi drivers who are the culprits but you still find the occasional flog who couldn’t afford a GTi so settled for a lesser Golf.
Generally Golf drivers are impatient idiots, cutting off other motorists and zipping through traffic with a thoroughly unwarranted sense of self importance. They often fit horrible aftermarket exhausts that sound tinny and raspy.
The only saving grace is that the Golf seems to be an equal-opportunity beast, attracting bad male and female drivers in similar numbers.
There’s three types of Commodore drivers to avoid: the P-plater in a shitbox, the P-plater in a shiny, modified shitbox or the midlife crisis HSV man-child. Either one is an obnoxious tool who wants to race everyone off the lights and truly believes Holden made great cars.
This belief probably stems from the fact these guys have never actually driven a good car. In reality these are just gullible people who soaked up everything Holden’s marketing department could throw at them.
The hotted-up Commodore is nothing more than a bogan express, a car that tells the world you’re not opposed to marrying your cousin. Especially if you’ve gone full-tasteless and stuck Chevy badges on the damn thing. Seriously, that sort of thing should be punishable by death.
Range Rover Evoque
Pretty sure they run a test at the dealership to make sure you’re selfish, arrogant and entitled enough to buy one of these things. It seems everyone who drives one of these is just an arsehole with no consideration for anyone else.
In addition to your self-centred attitude Range Rover has provided a letterbox slot for a rear window meaning even if you cared what the car behind you was doing you couldn’t see them if you wanted to.
I’ll exclude anyone who owns a Ferrari that is older than 20-25 years because those people are generally enthusiasts who know their stuff. And many classic Ferrari’s are genuinely cool cars. But the vast majority of modern Ferrari’s are driven by cashed-up pretentious tossers who bought the car as an attention-seeking exercise.
There’s something so terribly shallow about a new Ferrari, it’s a midlife crisis on wheels. It’s almost always ugly blokes driving them and they almost always look like smug dickheads.
Somehow driving around in a brand new Lamborghini seems less obnoxious than a Ferrari. Perhaps it’s because Lambo’s still have a reputation of being a bit cartoonishly bonkers and so if you buy one, it’s ok because you’re not arrogant, just a little crazy.
Before you claim that I’m just jealous, I will happily admit I can’t afford a new Ferrari. I can’t even afford an old one! But if money were no option I still wouldn’t buy one. I’m more of an Aston Martin man. Something a bit classier with a whiff of 007.
Anything with a Lexus badge
“Hey, I couldn’t afford a European luxury car so I bought an overpriced Toyota.” Lame.
Apparently that kind of inferiority complex turns you into a prick!
Honourable Mention: Ford Territory
This doesn’t seem to be the problem it once was – perhaps many Territory owners have traded in for something newer in recent years – but for the first few years after the local Ford SUV launched they were amongst the most annoying drivers on the roads. Impatient and self-entitled, they were the chosen weapon of the pain-in-the-arse soccer mum.