Finally, submarines that might not suck!


Great news everyone! Australia is buddying up to our dentally-challenged Pommy friends and those gun-toting lunatics from the US of A to finally deliver our Navy some submarines that aren’t total pieces of shit.

Yes sir, the Ozzie Navy is going nuclear, apparently in an attempt to further piss off our former friends, the Chinese.

I think this is great, purely from the horrendously ignorant position that nuclear subs look totally badass so therefore we should have them. Apparently they’re also a million times better than the current Collins class subs that ripped a gaping new anus in the defence budget, as well as the new French ones we were going to get in about a thousand years.

HMAS Waller, a Collins-class submarine. Image: New York Times

Instead, the new deal could see nuclear subs being built in Australia within a few years.

Wave your flags, the day is saved.

Have we gone far enough, though? Surely this move is as much about deterrent as it is combat ability? In which case, nuclear powered subs firing conventional weapons are great and all, but should we perhaps look at arming them with nuclear weapons?

Probably not, the red tape alone would be a nightmare on its own, what with all those pesky non-proliferation agreements and what-not.


Plus, if you’re gonna put nukes in subs then you might as well put them in silos inside ICBM’s while you’re at it and make Australia a genuine nuclear power. Lord knows we’ve got enough barren desert to space out our missile silos. But good luck getting funding or public support for that here in Australia.

We’ve become one of those pampered bitch-ass nations that complains about everything. The protests over nuclear weapons would bring out the great unwashed in numbers like never before. Gross.

But nuclear subs is some shizzle I can get on board with. The US subs are a proven, reliable weapons platform which is more than we can say for any of the subs we’ve had lately. Seems like a big upgrade to me.

Plus, they look badass, remember? Don’t you want a badass Navy that cruises the depths in giant, sleek, radioactive dildos?

Of course you do. A phallic fighting force is exactly what we need to keep those pesky Chinese in line.


Plus the French, they’ll be pissed when we dump their glacially-progressing submarine contract, and upsetting the French is always fun.

Now all we need is some stealth bombers for the Air Force and some other cool shit for the Army (can’t leave them out, that’s bullying) and we’d have a badass defence force across the board.

We’re still massively outnumbered by our potential enemies, but shhh, let’s not talk about that.