Candidates For The Human Culling Program


With Earth bursting at the seams with humans, perhaps it’s time we thin the herd and reduce the strain our species places on our environment. Some estimates suggest overpopulation could lead to human extinction within one hundred years.

With that in mind, here’s a list of people who would make great candidates for a human culling program ie. they won’t be missed.

FUN GAME ALERT!! Parts of this list are purely satirical, others are… not. See if you can spot the difference!

  • Eshays: if you identify yourself as an eshay then you’re on the list. Why? Just look at yourself. Listen to yourself. The reasons are self explanatory.
  • Holden drivers: Entitled bogans in their rustbucket express heaps of shit. They think they own the road. It’s time to prove them wrong.
  • Volkswagen Golf drivers: see above.
  • Anyone with a mullet: nothing demonstrates the inability to make smart choices than someone who grows a mullet. This hairstyle proves you are of no value to humanity. Cut off your hair or we’ll cut off your head. Your choice.
  • Protesters: anyone who attends mass protests in the streets is a whiny bitch intolerant of any opinions other than their own. Usually lacking in the hygiene department as well, the only upside is that these people are easy to exterminate because they gather in large, easily-napalmable groups.
  • “Karens” and the woke left: speaking of those intolerant of other opinions, these do-gooders can’t keep from meddling with the lives of others and dictating how everyone should behave. More akin to Hitler than they’ll ever admit, they have to go.
  • Anyone who is cruel to animals: these people aren’t human anyway, they’re soulless monsters who deserve a slow and painful demise. Animals deserve this planet more than us and these “people” are the proof.
  • People who like James Corden: if you find a talentless chubby Pom who shrieks instead of speaks entertaining then you need a full frontal lobotomy. With a railway spike.
  • Prisoners: what an unnecessary burden on the taxpayer. “Death penalty for everything” should see a drastic drop in crime figures, particularly repeat offenders. All animal testing should be done on convicted criminals instead.
  • Drug addicts: see above. Your poor choices are not my problem. Either get clean or drop dead.
  • Welfare bums: if you’ve been on welfare for more than 6-12 months then you’re clearly useless and unable to make something worthwhile of yourself and your life. There may be occasional exceptions to this, but generally it’s a safe bet that most of these freeloaders are not necessary for the betterment of the human race. Best solution is to start charging them for the air they breathe. Watch them drop like flies.
  • Most politicians: globally we can do without the vast majority of these self-serving clowns. Their sentence: one bullet per lie, although that amount of ammunition might not actually exist.
  • Taxi drivers who want to talk politics: this applies to delivery drivers and anyone else who does the same thing. I mean seriously, I don’t know you, I don’t want to know your opinions on politics, religion, current affairs or anything else. Just shut up.
  • Anyone with a manbun: you look ridiculous and you’re stealing oxygen.
  • Vegans: we’ve all heard the joke: how do you spot a vegan? You don’t, they’ll tell you. Vegans should be turkey slapped, but with an actual turkey.
  • People who sub-divide their block: congratulations, you just ruined the neighbourhood. Fuck you.
  • Councils that allow people to sub-divide their blocks: see above. Fuck you, too.
  • People who holiday in Bali: Holden-driving mullet-sporting VB drinkers with passports. Who knew Centrelink funded holidays?
  • Real estate agents: slimy and dishonest, they hold humanity back. Same applies to lawyers.
  • Anyone who drives a Lexus: yes, you couldn’t afford a European luxury car and now you’re overcompensating hard. Be gone.
  • Real estate agents who drive a Lexus: *shudders* oh, you’re the worst kind of evil.
  • People without train and elevator etiquette: the doors open and you let those on board disembark first before you get on. Everyone knows this. If you don’t abide by this you deserve a trip through the mincer.
  • Everyone in Perth and Adelaide: just look at yourselves. Yuck.
  • People who brag they’ve never been to prison: wow, what an achievement. Anyone setting the bar that low for themselves gets a free pair of cement shoes and a trip to the beach.
  • Anyone who thinks Tim Paine has been a good Test captain: sorry, your complete lack of brains has rendered you unnecessary for this species.
  • Justin Bieber and all his fans: he sucks, you suck, we don’t want any of you.
  • Anyone who thinks Kobe was better than MJ: see above. The only cure for stupidity is death.
  • Adults who only drink VB: it used to be cheap, which was the only passable excuse for drinking this swill. Anyone spending their own money on this crap clearly has something very wrong with them.
  • People who don’t like mowing lawns: cut your grass, you lazy slobs.
  • People who think their vote in an election actually matters: the naivety is strong with this one. You might actually be too stupid to live.
  • Anyone who puts truck running lights on their ute: you’re not a Christmas tree, hillbilly boy. Your attention-seeking inferiority complex is just sad.
  • People who always talk about their “rights”: hate to break it to you, but your rights are imaginary. Let George Carlin educate you before we have to feed you to the sharks.
  • People who like horses: horses can’t be trusted and neither can you.
  • Flat-earthers: these people are next-level stupid and should be beaten to death with science books.
  • Ferals who hang out at train stations: it’s hard to think of a disease these people don’t deserve to catch.
  • Soccer fans: it’s the dumbest, shittest and most corrupt sport on earth. Anyone who can’t see this deserves to go.
  • Religious doorknockers: have I found Jesus? Of course not. So keep your opinions and fairytales to yourself.
  • People who take their shoes and/or socks off on planes: you should all be rounded up, put on a plane together and flown into the side of a mountain. There’s a special place in hell for you.

Seems harsh? Nature is cruel and merciless. Survival of the fittest. Since we need to lower the population we might as well start by cutting off the dead weight and rinsing out the drip tray of humanity.

It makes more sense than killing off the very few intelligent, useful people.