A-League fans were in disbelief at the local Melbourne derby on Saturday night when their expectations for a typically boring and pointless game of soccer were suddenly shattered by a group of cockwombles disguised as pitch invaders.
The situation was made even more bizarre by the lack of emotional control shown by the pitch invaders. As well all know, soccer fans have historically proven themselves to be calm and level-headed, particularly when faced with defeat.
The unexpected level of excitement was too much for players and fans alike. The players headed quickly off the ground to calm down while fans sat in shock, trying to define the foreign feeling of adrenaline coursing through them, something their soccer fan brains are so unaccustomed to.
That something interesting could happen so suddenly on a soccer pitch was infuriating to many fans, one of whom stated “It was like being rudely awoken from a coma and frankly I didn’t care for it, sir.”
The match was abandoned after the incident, bringing some semblance of normality back to proceedings as the match finished without a result.
A unnamed source at Football Australia went on the record, saying “this kind of thing brings our gloriously dull game into disrepute. We’re all over the national mainstream media and that’s not where the A-League wants to be.”
FA and Victoria Police are working to identify the culprits, many of whom are described as appearing to be “young, male and retarded, even by soccer standards”.
The good news is Premier Daniel Andrews has tweeted his disgust with the pitch invaders. Victorians and soccer fans alike can now sleep easy knowing the perpetrators will probably find themselves in a Chinese concentration camp by the end of the week.